


South Park One Shots

by Kapdixo



Category: South Park
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - High School, Bullying, Confessions, Depression, Drunken Confessions, Homophobia, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Kidnapping, Love Confessions, Multi, Murder, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Past Drug Use, Reader-Insert, Secret Admirer, Suicide, Trans Character, Trans Female Character, Trans Leopold "Butters" Stotch, Trans Male Character, Transphobia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-04
Updated: 2019-07-16
Packaged: 2019-10-04 06:27:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 28
Words: 16,882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17299484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kapdixo/pseuds/Kapdixo
Summary: High School AU where everyone is in their senior year. Will contain ships between characters as well as reader inserts.





	1. You're My World - Kenny McCormick X Butters Stotch (Bunny)

"Guess who isn't grounded anymore." Kenny lifted his friend onto his shoulders and carried him through the swirling snow. "Go on, guess."

"Me." Butters tugged on the strings of his parka. "But what'll happen to you?"

"What do you mean? Nothing is going to happen to me." He stopped for a moment to look back at him. "What are you talking about?"

"W-well, what if my dad finds out you snuck me out of the house again? He won't let me see you anymore!" Tears streamed down his rosy cheeks, flushed from the cold.

"You think some fucking teabag jockey is going to order me around? Please, he won't get near me." Kenny trekked onward.

"What did you call him?! That's mean!" Butters covered his mouth.

"You're laughing, Buttercup." He facepalmed. Shit.

"Buttercup?" He poked his ear curiously. "Is that my nickname now?"

"It doesn't have to be." Kenny cursed himself as a blush spread across his nose, not at all caused by the weather.

"No, I like it! It's real sweet of you!" Butters thought hard for a moment. "I need a nickname for you now."

"You don't have to do that." He stopped in front of his beat-up house on the bad side of town. "We're here."

"Do I have to get off your back now?" He sounded so timid. No way was he putting him down.

"Just stay there." Kenny opened the door, listening for any signs of fighting. Nothing. "Okay, we're good." He walked the two of them into his small room and placed him on the bed. "Warm up, you look like you're freezing."

"I-I'm alright! I really am!" Butters sighed and pulled the thin blanket over himself anyways. "I should probably take off my clothes. If I sleep in them, my dad might...oh." He rubbed his knuckles together. "Right, I forgot."

"Your parents fucking hate me, dude. They think I'm a bad influence on you, and I'm glad you're out of that house. I am going to keep you safe, I swear on my lives." He moved to sit next to him.

"Lives? You mean life, right?" He tilted his head.

"Yeah, Leo." Kenny looked out the window and chuckled. "But I'd still die a thousand deaths for you, even if you won't remember."

"You say something?" Butters yawned.

"Nothing at all." He jumped in surprise at the sudden sound of his light snoring. "That was pretty fast." He smiled fondly, getting under the blanket. "My world would be a hell of a lot worse without you in it. Maybe someday you'll be ready to hear that."

"Love you," he mumbled.

Yeah, someday.


	2. Three J's - Kyle Broflovski X Fem!Reader

"He's the Three J's!"

"The what?"

"Jewish, Jersey, and Ginger!"

"You're the Three F's. Fat, Fucktard, and Failure!"

"Oooooooooh!" Kenny high-fived you. "Nice one!"

"What, you think I'll just let him insult my boyfriend like that? Please." You cracked your knuckles. "I don't think so."

"I'm not fat, you fucking bitch!" Cartman clenched his fists. "And you've only been dating for like a month! Why do you care what-"

"You'd think that after all these years you'd grow up a little and stop being such an antisemite bastard, but no. How does Heidi put up with your constant bullshit, really?" You turned on your heel and made your way upstairs.

"God, she's so hot when she's angry," Kenny purred. 

"Ky, open up." You grinned as the door creaked open slowly after being unlocked. "Thank you."

"What is it?" Kyle sat on his bed and stared at the floor. "Why aren't you hanging out with Kenny and Cartman?" He almost spat the latter's name.

"I don't care about that right now, I care about you." After getting a single nod as an okay, you sat next to him. "How long has he been saying these things, ten years? Why are you letting it get to you now?"

"I'm not letting it get to me," he murmured. "He called my hair ugly and said I'm a stupid Jew. It hurt more this time because you had to hear it, not just me. I dragged you into this by dating you."

"I'm the one who asked you out first," you snapped. "Why should I care what that loser thinks? It doesn't affect or change how I feel about you! Give me a little more credit!" You backed up a bit as he leaned in. "What?"

"Um." Kyle's eyes shot to your lips, then back to your eyes. "Can I kiss you?"

"You don't have to ask." You leaned in the rest of the way before he could change his mind. He sighed, wrapping his arms around you. It was fantastic, but you had a point to make. You pulled away with a grin.

"Why'd you stop? I liked it." He rubbed his arm.

"I need to tell you something." You took off his ushanka, revealing his red hair. "Just trust me on this, okay?"

"Okay." Kyle lowered his head under your gaze.

"Look at me." You gently grabbed his chin. "You're beautiful, Kyle."

"I-"

"You're gorgeous." You ran your hands through his unruly curls. "I'm serious, do you understand? I love you so much."

"I love you too." His eyes fluttered shut as you kissed his cheeks. "God, I love you a lot. Don't ever leave me."

"I'm not ever going to leave you." You kissed all over his face, ending with his lips again. "How do you feel now?"

"Great." Kyle opened his eyes. "What about you?"

"More than great. You ready to go back?" You stretched yourself a bit.

"Yeah." He put his hat back on and smiled brightly. "Promise me one thing?"

"Yeah?" You tilted your head.

"Beat him up." Kyle rubbed his hands together. "At least once."

"It's going to happen sooner or later." You grabbed his hand and lead him back downstairs.

"Oh look, it's the happy couple." Cartman stuck out his tongue. "Hey (Y/N), were you busy making out with his ginger ass?"

"Babe?" He pointed at him.

"On it." You punched him right in the face. "How was that?"

"That was fucking incredible." Kenny latched onto your arm. "Take me now."

"Can I punch him too?" you called over your shoulder.


	3. Jailhouse Rock - Token Black X Clyde Donovan (Tyde)

It sure sucked when Cartman was right about things. Seriously. How can someone who had never played guitar before BE SO GOOD?

_"The warden threw a party in the county jail  
The prison band was there, and they began to wail  
The band was jumping, and the joint began to swing  
You should've heard those knocked-out jailbirds sing!"_

Clyde groaned loudly and buried his face in his arms. His so-called friend sucked! Why couldn't he read his magazine in peace? "Please stop."

 _"Let's rock, everybody, let's rock  
Everybody in the whole cell block  
Was dancing to the Jailhouse Rock!"_ Token pulled the magazine out of his hands.

"Hey! Give it back!" He jumped to grab it, cursing his shortness. "Come on!"

 _"Spider Murphy played the tenor saxophone  
Little Joe was blowing on the slide trombone  
The drummer boy from Illinois went crash, boom, bang  
The whole rhythm section was the Purple Gang!"_ He threw the magazine over his shoulder.

"Dude! You better not have ripped any pages!" Clyde scrambled to pick it up. "Dammit, you ripped it! What's gotten into you?!"

 _"Number forty-seven said to number three  
'You're the cutest jailbird I ever did see  
I sure would be delighted with your company  
Come on and do the Jailhouse Rock with me'!"_ On 'cutest', Token pointed right at him. 

"Token! What the fuck?!" He pulled his collar over his face. He'd never hear the end of it if anyone knew Token fucking Black made a jock blush like a girl.

 _"Let's rock, everybody, let's rock  
Everybody in the whole cell block  
Was dancing to the Jailhouse Rock!"_ He noticed. He so noticed.

"Augh!" Clyde grabbed the nearest pillow and smothered his face in it. Honestly it sounded just like the guy who played guitar on the song. Who played, was it Elvis himself? He didn't know or care.

 _"The sad sack was a sitting on a block of stone  
Way over in the corner, weeping all alone  
The warden said, 'hey, buddy, don't you be no square  
If you can't find a partner, use a wooden chair'!"_ Token slowly lifted the pillow. The smug bastard was grinning at him!

"Fuck off, or-or I'll piss in my hand and throw it at you!" It would've sounded slightly more threatening if his voice hadn't cracked at the end, but only slightly.

 _"Let's rock, everybody, let's rock  
Everybody in the whole cell block  
Was dancing to the Jailhouse Rock!"_ He winked at him and got off his bed. 

"ELVIS WASN'T BLACK!" Clyde wailed in a last-ditch attempt to stop him.

_"Shifty Henry said to Bugs, 'for heaven's sake  
No one's looking, now's our chance to make a break'  
Bugsy turned to Shifty and he said, 'nix nix  
I want to stick around a while and get my kicks'_

_Let's rock, everybody, let's rock  
Everybody in the whole cell block  
Was dancing to the Jailhouse Rock_

_Dancing to the Jailhouse Rock  
Dancing to the Jailhouse Rock  
Dancing to the Jailhouse Rock  
Dancing to the Jailhouse Rock!"_ After strumming one last riff on the guitar, it was over. Token set the damn thing down. "Clyde?"

"Don't talk to me for a million years." The only way it could get more embarrassing was if he was still a huge crybaby like back in the day. "Get out of my house."

"Clyde." He poked his shoulder.

"Go awaaaaaaaay!" Clyde glared at him so hard he actually took a step back. "I said stop it!"

"You're blushing." It wasn't a question, it was a statement. Token looked smug, the bastard. "Was it that bad?"

"No! I mean, yes! It was awful and you should never do it again! And shut up!" His face burned hotter, so he tried to look somewhere else. "And I'm not blushing!"

"You look like a tomato, dude." He pulled the amp out of the guitar and wrapped it up. "You should see yourself."

"I refuse!" Clyde blushed even harder when two hands rested on his cheeks. "T-Token?"

"I caused this, didn't I?" Token leaned down to his level. "I want to hear you say it, Clyde."

"I-I-I-I-I-" He jerked away and screamed like a little girl. "I GOTTA GO NOW!" He pushed past him and ran out the door at record speed. "BYE!"

"Huh, so close." He leaned back and sighed. "I'll have to try harder next time." He blinked. "Did he just leave his own house?"


	4. Something Forbidden - Eric Cartman X Kyle Broflovski (Kyman)

"You know what would happen if my mom found out about this? She'd literally kill me."

"No one said she had to find out."

"Yeah." Kyle shifted a bit. "I feel like this whole thing might've been a mistake."

"What is that supposed to mean?" Cartman wrapped his arms around him. He had thinned out over the years, making his chest feel more firm against his bare back.

"I don't know. I'm not saying I didn't like it!" He chuckled nervously. "It was really good, actually. You made me feel..." He bit his lip. "I don't know if I should say it."

"Say what?" He gently traced a finger down his arm. "I won't be mad."

"Loved." Kyle winced as he froze. "I'm sorry, I'll grab my clothes and leave."

"No, wait!" Cartman grabbed his arm. "It's okay, it's completely okay! Don't leave me, Kyle. You can't."

"What are you talking about?" He turned to face him, only to see tears in his eyes. "Cartman?"

"I'll have no one. Everyone has abandoned me and said I haven't really changed. I'm not faking it. I've changed this much for you, Kyle. Please don't leave me alone here, I can't take it." He let out a choked sob. "Please."

"Eric." Kyle wiped the tears away with a sad smile. "I'm not going anywhere if you don't want me to. I love you."

"You do?" Cartman closed his eyes and rested his head in the crook of his neck. "Fuck, I love you too."

"Mmm." He giggled sleepily and shivered. "Your nose is cold."

"Sorry." He moved his head out of the way. "That should be better."

"Should we at least put on our clothes?" Kyle teased.

"If you're cold." Cartman's tears started to dry up. "Are you cold?"

"A little bit." He grabbed the edge of the thick blanket and nearly took the whole thing. "Shit, we should probably clean up."

"Right, right. Warm shower?" He sat up and took his hand. "Come on."

"That sounds really good." Kyle peered outside, then pointed to the bathroom. "All clear."

"Perfect." Cartman followed him in and slid open the shower door. "Let me get this right for you." He turned the faucet. "FUCK, THAT'S COLD AS BALLS!"

"Shh! Your mom will hear you!" He doubled over in silent laughter.

"You shh! Okay, it's good." He pulled him in and shut the door. "Well?"

"Perfect." Kyle blushed as he brought their bodies together. "What are you doing?"

"Just let me hold you for a bit." Cartman brushed his wet hair out of his face. "Please."

"Yeah. I'm not gonna go anywhere, Eric. You'll be okay." He stood on his tiptoes and kissed him softly. 

"No, we'll be okay." He kissed him back as the water dripped off of them.


	5. Never Done Before - Wendy Testaburger X Bebe Stevens (Bendy)

"I don't care what those idiots say, we're not too old for sleepovers!" Bebe tossed her hair over her shoulder. "Anyways, what's up with you?"

"Nothing." Wendy absentmindedly played with a loose thread on her nightgown. "Just the usual stuff."

"But you seem sad." She squeezed her shoulder. "You can tell me anything, remember?"

"Stan and I broke up again," she whispered.

Bebe exhaled through her nose. "Oh. Well, you'll get back together like you always do."

"No, it's different this time. I'm not sure I should tell anyone, but he came out yesterday. He's gay." Wendy sniffled. "Please, please don't spread it. I just want this all to be over with. I don't want to draw attention to me or him."

"I promise I won't." She hesitantly placed a hand on her back. "I love you, Wends. I don't like seeing you sad. Is there anything I can do to help?"

She said nothing, getting to her feet. She walked in front of her mirror and just stared at her reflection for a long time. Then she spoke. "Will I find someone else?"

"Obviously." Bebe came up behind her. "Who wouldn't want to be with you?"

"Am I pretty, Bebe?" Wendy touched her cheeks. "Should I maybe wear more makeup, or get cuter clothes? Change anything?"

"No, don't change yourself!" She grabbed her by the wrists and turned her around. "Sorry if I hurt you, but don't change for anyone! I think you're perfect the way you are now, and that's important! Don't change."

"You mean it? Nothing at all?" She glanced down at her feet.

"I don't think you even need makeup. You know, you look perfect right now without it." Bebe stepped closer. "I mean it."

"Bebe," Wendy breathed. "Thank you."

"Yeah." She tucked a strand of black hair behind her ear. "You're so beautiful."

"So are you. I love your curls." She smiled weakly. "I like them better than my hair."

"Don't say that, your hair is perfect." Bebe shifted from one foot to another. "I'm sorry, but do you mind if I try something?"

"I don't think so," Wendy shrugged. "As long as it doesn't hurt."

"It won't. I'll stop whenever you want me to." She tilted her head to the side and wrapped her arms around her waist. 

"Bebe?" She stiffened in her hold.

"Just give me this." Bebe brought their lips together gently, leaving enough room for her friend to pull away if she wanted to.

"Mmph!" Wendy's eyes shot open, and she stared right at her face. She didn't kiss back, but she didn't pull away either. It ended quickly, and she was left with her mind feeling cloudy. "Huh?"

"I'm sorry, I just wanted to try it. I've never kissed another girl before." She smiled sheepishly. "We're best friends, so I'm sorry if that was out of line. I should probably go."

"Wait!" She held out her hand as if to grab onto her. "Do you like me, Bebe?"

"I wasn't sure, so I decided to test it." Bebe nodded once. "I love you, Wends. More than a friend."

"I never knew." Wendy rubbed her heels together. "I never really thought about you like that before, but that was...it was good." She shook her head. "But I can't right now."

"It was stupid of me anyways." She wiped a stray tear from her eyes. "You just got out of a relationship."

"I didn't say I didn't want to try!" she shouted.

"You want to try?" Bebe slowly met her eyes.

"Yes," Wendy nodded. "Slowly. I'm still really sad, and I need a friend right now."

"I'm here, just like I've always been." She gently pushed her onto the bed. "We should sleep on this and get some rest."

"You're right." She rolled over to face her. "This is going to be interesting."


	6. Friends in Low Places - Stan Marsh X Reader

"I'm scared, (Y/N). I'm really scared." Kyle kept glancing at his phone every few seconds. "It's been three days since I've heard from Stan! What if something terrible happened?"

Your heart leapt into your throat. “He still isn’t answering? We need to do something!”

“I didn’t notice,” Cartman piped up.

"Three days?" Kenny looked over his shoulders. “He’s been skipping?”

"Yes! Where did you think he was?" He rolled his eyes at his shrugging. “I'm freaking out here!"

"You don't have to, I'll check on him right now!" You ran out of the school, pushing past multiple students. Some gave you dirty looks or flipped you off ("fuck you too, Craig!" you yelled), but you kept running. You didn’t stop until you got to Stan’s house and practically kicked the door open.

“Whozere?” Randy mumbled.

You ran past the drunk man and upstairs, furiously pounding on the door to his room. “Stan! Open up right now!” You turned the knob, finding it unlocked. He wasn’t there. You went two doors down and tried the bathroom next.

“Hmm?” A small lump on the floor looked up at you. “(Y/N)?”

“Stan!” You dropped to your knees and hugged him tight. “We were so worried! What have you been doing?!”

“Mmph.” Stan’s eyes were glassy, and he wasn’t looking at you. “Hating myself.”

“You’re drunk.” The strong smell of cheap whiskey emitted from him, making you cough and sputter. “Dammit, Stan. God fucking dammit.”

“I want to die so bad,” he whispered. “I want all of it to just stop.”

“Your death isn’t going to solve anything! Kyle was about to break down in the middle of class because you were missing! We thought maybe you were hurt, but this is all you’ve been doing the past three days, isn’t it?” You felt slightly bad as the tears rolled down his cheeks. “Please, talk to me.”

“I’m s-sorry,” Stan hiccuped. “It’s all so h-hard and I’m a fucking failure who has no one who l-loves him! What kind of eighteen-year-old hasn’t been in a real r-relationship? I’m a loser.” He slumped forward into your arms and sobbed.

“So many people love you. I love you, Kyle loves you, Kenny loves you, even Cartman loves you in his messed-up way.” You smiled, then wrinkled your nose. “But no offense, you need a shower.” You slowly pulled him to his feet and undressed the both of you, laughing as he almost tripped over his pants legs. “In the shower you go.”

“Okay.” Stan didn’t say much the whole time you washed him, probably still out of it. He let you dry him and put him in clean clothes.

“Feeling a little better now?” He nodded. “Good.” You put your own clothes back on, feeling his eyes on you. It wasn’t really a big deal since you’d seen each other naked before as kids, but he never stared. Was he checking you out without realizing it? “My eyes are up here, buddy.”

“Sorry.” Stan rubbed the back of his head.

“It’s cool.” You lead him into his room and tucked him into bed. “I hate seeing you like this, Stan. It hurts me too. We should get you talking to a counselor, okay? Not Mackey.”

“Mmhmm.” He closed his eyes. “Okay.”

“I’ll get you some water and painkillers.” You moved to stand up, but he grabbed your arm. “Stan?”

“Don’t leave me,” Stan begged. 

“It will only take a minute.” You hissed in pain as he gripped even tighter. “Okay, just let go.”

“Deal.” He did, then peeled back his blanket as an invitation.

“Well, it’s not like I was doing much at school anyways.” You accepted and got in. He immediately pressed himself against you and hugged you around the neck. “Hey, you’re going to be okay.” You patted the top of his head. “Don’t worry.”

“M’not worried. I love you.” Stan opened his eyes. “Don’t go.”

“We’ll talk more when you’re sober,” you promised. “I’ll still be here.” You looked up at the ceiling, pondering his words. Were they just the drunk ramblings of a broken boy, or were they something else?


	7. Loving an Immortal - Kenny McCormick X Eric Cartman (Kenman)

"We're best friends, right? We can talk about anything?" Cartman furiously mashed the buttons on the controller in his hands.

"Yeah." Kenny gently elbowed him, causing him to drop said controller. "You lose."

"Motherfucker!" He pinched the bridge of his nose in annoyance. "Kenny, I swear to god."

"You swear what to god, tubby?" He ducked just in time to avoid the fist flying at his head. 

"I'm not tubby anymore, poor boy!" Cartman snickered, wiping an imaginary tear out of his eye. "We sure were asses to each other, huh?"

"No one said we still aren't." Kenny pushed his hood down. "You wanted to say something?"

"Yeah, I-" His eyes widened at the action, words dying in his throat. He swallowed, looking away. "Nothing, it was stupid." 

"Oh?" He rested his chin in his hand. "I know you and stupid go together, but you sounded serious. Like you said, we can talk about anything. If it's really serious, then I'll take it serious." 

"I think I'm gay," Cartman spat. 

"Same." Kenny picked up the controller. "I thought this was serious."

"It is serious!" he cried. "I'm not supposed to be gay, I'm supposed to like girls!"

"There's nothing wrong with being gay. I'm pan, remember? No one makes fun of me, so they shouldn't make fun of you." He placed the controller back in his hands. "Now watch me kick your ass."

"Does it make you gay if you're only attracted to one guy?" Cartman poked at it solemnly.

"Hmm, I don't know. I guess not?" Kenny rolled his eyes. "Let's just play."

"I think I like you, Kenny!" He threw the controller across the room. "Okay? It's you!"

"Me?" He pointed to himself. "Oh, Eric." He closed his eyes. "You know I can't, right?"

"No, I don't!" Cartman balled his hands into fists. "Why can't you?! Let me guess, you don't feel that way!" Hot tears ran down his face as he shook his head. "No, I'm sorry. I'm going to bed, you should probably leave." He started going upstairs.

"No, that's not it!" Kenny ran after him and grabbed his arm. "Eric, I do feel the same!"

"You like me?" He smiled, then it dropped. "I'm confused. If you like me, why can't you date me? Oh, you meant like-like me, right? That's what I meant."

"Yeah, that's what I meant. Come on, think about it. Why can't I?" He raised an eyebrow. "Come on, you didn't forget just because I haven't done it in a while."

Cartman shrugged. "I really don't know. What's the problem?"

"Wow, okay." Kenny made a gun with his hand and pretended to shoot himself in the head. "You know, that."

"You can't die." He exhaled through his nose. "You can't die, but I can. We can fix it, though! We can get Cthulhu."

"No. I'll age with you, but I won't die with you. I don't think I can handle not having you around, boyfriend or friend. It won't work. I'm leaving South Park once we graduate." He pulled his hood back up. "It's getting late, I should probably-"

"No." Cartman pushed it back down. "Look, just once can you pretend we're..."

"Once." Kenny nodded, then brought their lips together.

"Wow." He sighed, touching his mouth. "That was better than I imagined. Again."

"Me leaving is just going to hurt more now, Eric." But he kissed him again, more forcefully. All their problems disappeared for a moment.


	8. Pining - Pip Pirrup X Male!Jock!Reader

"Why don't you kill yourself, huh? Make a lot of people happy?" Clyde sneered.

"I..." Pip struggled to keep the smile on his face. "I don't believe that would be good?"

"What's up, guys?" You strolled up to the crowd of boys, which mostly consisted of your football team. "Did I miss something?"

"Hey, (Y/N)! We we just having some fun with this loser." He pointed to the blond boy. "Right?"

"Right," Pip whispered.

"God, you're worthless." Clyde knelt down with a sneer. "Why do you even bother-"

"Hey, no need for that! What did he do to you?" You crossed your arms, annoyed. "Has he been mean to you?"

"No, he's too nice for that," Craig spoke up.

"Then I honestly don't understand the problem." You raised an eyebrow. 

"Eh, we just don't like him," he shrugged. "Get with it, (Y/N)."

"Exactly!" Clyde punched the boy in the stomach, causing him to drop to his knees. "He's an annoying little faggot who-"

"ENOUGH!" You kicked him in the leg. Hard. "What is your problem?!"

"Fucking ow!" He shakily rose to his feet, clenching his fists. "What is yours?!"

You grabbed him by the collar and sneered. "I happen to be a 'faggot', Donovan. And isn't Craig bi or something?"

"Fucking run, dude!" Kyle shouted, causing the crowd (minus the dickish brunette) to scatter.

"What?" Clyde opened and closed his mouth a few times. "No way, you can't be like him! You're-"

"Not wearing enough makeup? Liking pink? Wearing dresses? Take your stereotypes and shove them up your ass." You punched him in the face a few times before dropping him. "Pick on someone your own size."

"Oh dear, I hope he isn't hurt too badly." Pip smiled nervously. "But I thank you for standing up for me! No one has ever done that before!"

"No problem. I'm (Y/N) (L/N)." You shook his hand.

"Oh, I know who you are! I'm talking to a popular student! I'm Philip Pirrup, but everyone calls me Pip because they hate me." He rubbed his arm. "It just stuck, you know?"

"People are assholes, huh?" You kicked the knocked-out Clyde in the head. "I'll call you Philip if you'd like."

"I don't really mind," Pip murmured. "You can call me whatever you like."

"You're pretty cool, Pip. I can't believe we haven't talked before." You gasped as his eyes started to well up with tears. "What's wrong? Pip, did I say something wrong? Don't cry!"

"I'm just so happy." He rubbed his eyes and grinned. He’d tell you someday about his secret crush on you, how he’d dreamed of meeting you for months. One day at a time.


	9. Mystery Guys - Tweek Tweak X Reader X Craig Tucker

"Lame." You stretched your arms over your head and yawned, then continued to your first period class. Maybe you shouldn't have stayed up until three in the morning watching videos instead of sleeping. You sat at your desk and dropped your bag with a heavy thud.

"Hey, (Y/N)." Clyde waved lazily.

"Hey." You rested your head on your desk, then raised it. You picked up the folded piece of paper that had brushed your cheek and opened it.

_My boyfriend thinks you're cute and so do I._

"The fuck?" You snorted, crumpling the note into a ball. "Very funny, whoever you are." You threw it at Cartman's head and snickered. "Best prank ever."

\---

"Wait." You stared at your desk in your second period, finding another note. "Alright, I'll bite." You scooped it up.

_i told him not to leave that note! i'm sorry!_

"Uh, okay?" The handwriting was shaky, unlike the neatness of the former note. Either there really was two different people fucking with you, or just one who was great at forgery. "Whatever." You shoved that one into your pocket. So they were both guys, which didn't help you figure out who they were. How many gay couples were in the school?

"(Y/N)'s got a secret admirer," Jimmy sang.

"Fuck off." You sent him a rude hand gesture.

\---

_That's a good shirt on you. Wear it more often._

_roses are red_  
violets are blue  
i don't think i can spend  
another day without you. 

_We fall more for you each time we see you._

_i think your eyes are really beautiful._

_I saw you smile earlier. I think my heart exploded._

_your laugh is really precious and i want to hear it every single day. i want to be the one making you laugh._

_Do you like stargazing? I thought maybe all three of us could do it together._

_you know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams. actually i always have trouble sleeping but you get it._

_Is it weird to say that we're falling for you? Check yes or no and leave the note here.  
oh my god they said no!_

_i didn't choose you, my heart did._

You grinned, touching your backpack. You kept all the notes in a folder for safe-keeping. Nobody could fake the things the mystery boys said to you, they were too real. You picked up the new note and raised an eyebrow.

_Are your pants from space, because your ass is out of this worNO DON'T WRITE THAT DUDE!_

You rolled your eyes and put it with the rest.

\---

_It's time for us to meet. Go behind the school once this last class ends. We'll be waiting._

You bit your lip nervously. Part of the fun was not knowing who left you the notes, but now they wanted you to meet them? You were excited, obviously, but come on! What if something went wrong? Hell, what if they weren't really students?

"You're thinking too hard," Clyde whispered in your ear, causing you to jump. "Just go, you'll be fine."

"I could always text you to save me." You didn't pay attention for the rest of class, you couldn't. You were meeting people who liked you. Maybe even loved.

"Move, move, move!" You weaved between everyone and darted out the door, rushing around back. No one was there yet, so you just sat on a rock to wait. 

And wait.

And wait.

You sighed, figuring you were tricked. "Maybe no one is coming."

"You're quick."

You raised your head at the sound of a nasally voice, only to come face-to-face with Craig Tucker and Tweek Tweak. You could only think of one thing to say. "Huh?"

"Hi." Tweek waved shyly. "Do you like my notes? Nngh, I work hard on them!"

"I work harder," Craig snorted.

"You tried to use a pickup line about my ass." You shook your head. "You guys sent all those notes to me?"

"Yeah, it was Craig's idea!" He twitched slightly. "I told him that I liked you, so he started the notes thing!"

"He thought you'd be creeped out, but I talked him into it. You're okay with this, right?" He reached out and squeezed his boyfriend's hand.

"I didn't know you even knew my name! You guys are popular, I'm just kind of there." You shrugged. "I'm flattered, really. I want to get to know you guys."

"Kind of there? Are you kidding me?" Craig stepped forward and looked you over. "You're so fucking attractive, you aren't 'just there' or whatever. You're so much more than you realize. You're confident, you're funny, you're just amazing."

"Can I kiss you? On the forehead, I mean." Tweek tapped his fingers together. "If that's okay."

"Um." You coughed, willing the blush off your face. "Sure." You grinned as he gave you a small peck and stared at you lovingly. "I-"

"Sup." Clyde poked his head around the corner. "For the record, I knew you guys were leaving the notes the whole time."

Craig just flipped him off. "Alright, my turn."

"Lucky bitch," he mumbled.


	10. Only the SBF - Kyle Broflovski X Stan Marsh (Style)

"Fucking twink." Cartman fell back onto the couch and sighed. "Move over."

"Usually a twink is an extremely attractive guy, fatass. You calling me attractive?" Kyle stuck out his tongue as Kenny giggled into his parka.

"I hate you." He punched him in the arm.

"No one talks to my Super Best Friend like that." Stan pushed him off the couch before he could say another word.

"Ha, fucking douchebag." Kenny high-fived him. "Five bucks if you do that again."

"Like you have five bucks," Cartman groaned. An outsider might think they were being rude, or that they even hated each other. It was all banter in the end, though. "Anyways," he shakily rose to his feet, "you guys are seriously still doing the SBF thing? We aren't kids anymore!"

"It just stuck." Kyle began to feel around for the remote. "I don't see anything wrong with using it. I think it accurately describes Stan and I's relationship."

"Accurately describes-" Cartman facepalmed. "Not really. You should upgrade to SBB. Super Best Boyfriends."

Kyle sputtered, Stan coughed, and Kenny burst out laughing. "What the hell are you talking about?!"

"I'm not stupid, I know you two are together!" Cartman pointed at his face. "I know you guys kiss and do whatever other shit gay people do!"

"We're just Super Best Friends," Stan said. "Nothing more."

"You hold hands at the bus stop," Kenny smirked. "Every day."

"Friends do that." Kyle narrowed his eyes. 

"You cuddle." Cartman leaned in closer.

"Also a thing friends do." He leaned away.

"I saw you kiss." Their noses were almost touching.

"Platonically!" Kyle accidentally leaned back too far, causing him to fall against Stan. "Gah!"

"Oof!" Stan instantly wrapped his arms around him, and he fell against Kenny. "Shit!"

"Trying to get to second base with me already, darling?" Kenny removed his hand from his chest.

"Accident! It was an accident!" Kyle shook his head, messy curls bouncing lightly. "I'm sorry, you guys."

"It's cool. Not the first time you've been on top of me." Stan dusted himself off and casually picked up the remote.

"You WHAT?!" Cartman jumped up and clapped his hands. "Yes! I knew it! I fucking knew it!"

"Knew what? It's something friends do." He gave him a confused look. "What's the big deal?"

"I..." He screamed in frustration and ran out the door. "YOU WILL NOT CONFUSE ME ANY LONGER!"

"Jesus, I thought he'd never go away." Kyle slipped Kenny a twenty. "Sorry, thought I could've made him leave faster."

"That was golden." Stan leaned over and kissed him lightly. "It's fun messing with his head."

"I love you, Super Best Friend." He smiled shyly.

"I love you too." Stan rested his forehead against his and smiled back. "Hey."

"Hey." Kyle brought his hands to his face and cupped it gently. "You're so beautiful."

"Not as much as you." He laughed as he started kissing his hand. "You're weird."

"You're weirder," he mumbled.

"Okay then." Kenny pointed to the kitchen. "I'm going to get a drink. Let me know if you guys are ever up for a threesome, cool?"


	11. Silence Speaks Volumes - Butters Stotch X New Kid/Douchebag

_Hey there, New Kid!_

_Butters, I've lived in South Park for almost ten years now. I'm not really that new anymore._

_Oh, right! So I should just call you Douchebag or Dovahkiin then? Or Buttlord?_

_I don't really care what you call me._

_Okay! How are you doing?_

_Could be better, to be honest with you._

_Why? What's wrong?_

_My parents are fighting again. You know, the usual. I know that divorce is imminent._

_Gee, I sure am sorry!_

_I don't like waiting for it, I feel scared and sad and a little angry. My mom is drinking as much as Kenny's dad now._

_Oh Jesus, really? That bad?_

_My dad is higher than Towelie most of the time._

_Yeah, that isn't good._

_I don't know if they love me anymore. Is that a stupid thing to say?_

_No, and I'm sure they love you! You're their kid! My parents aren't always the nicest either, but they love me!_

_Butters? Please do not compare your dipshit dumbfuck scumbag parents to mine._

_I'm sorry._

_No, it's okay. I was out of line saying that. This isn't an excuse, but I just don't know what to do with all these feelings of mine. I don't express them, so I don't know what else to do._

_I don't think it's bad to express emotion! People can help you when they see something's wrong!_

_I don't know. I don't talk either, so there's that._

_I think it makes you all mysterious and cool!_

_It makes me look arrogant. I don't know WHAT to say. You think I'm actually good with people? I try, I can't._

_I'm not judging you for that! I think it's just another special part of you that makes you you!_

_I know everyone else finds it annoying or cocky. Thanks for trying to make me feel better, I guess._

_No problem, buddy! I'm here any time you need me! I'll always listen, no matter what!_

_I know. But I mean it, thank you. You are always there for me, no matter what. The other guys aren't anything like that. I care about you a lot, Butters. I want to show you that I do._

_I don't know what to say, gosh! That's really sweet of you to say!_

"Butters."

Butters jerked his head up from his phone and looked over. "Y-yeah?"

A small smile crossed New Kid's face. "I love you."

"I..." He gulped, then smiled back. "I love you too!"

"Hmm." They opened their arms and pulled him into a hug. "Don't leave me."


	12. What a Catch - Eric Cartman X MtF!Butters Stotch (Cutters)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You didn’t actually think I was done writing these, did you?

"Do we just call you Marjorine all the time now?"

"Don't remind me of that cootie catcher incident!"

"Sorry." Cartman searched through the bin of hair ties that were in all the colors known to man. It was like a unicorn threw up rainbows. Gross, why did girls need so much makeup and hair shit? "I was a pretty huge dick."

"We all were." Butters combed her hair with her fingers, biting her lip. "But it's all in the past now."

He paused, holding up a green hair tie. What the hell was she talking about? She was literally the sweetest person he had ever met! "You were never a dick, you were perfect."

"I was?" She giggled softly. "I don't know, I was a huge pushover. Still am."

"Just another thing I love about you." Cartman's tongue poked out the side of his mouth as he fumbled with her blonde hair. "Hey, looks like it'll be long enough to braid soon."

Butters' face burned red at the compliment, then she nodded once. "That will be fun, yeah! I can't wait!" She closed her eyes, remembering the news she had. "Eric, can I ask you something?"

"Shoot." He picked up the pink hairbrush lying off to the side and brushed gently.

"Do you like the name Leomi?" She stiffened at his chuckle. "Just say no, you don't have to laugh at me!"

"I'm not, I'm not. I think it's adorable, is all. Uncommon name?" Cartman gently pulled her hair back, kissing her ear.

"Heh, it is. I did research, and it's the only name that jumped out at me." Butters squirmed where she sat, causing the bed to creak. "You really like it?"

"Of course I do. But it has part of your birth name in it, did you notice?" He twisted the hair tie around once, twice.

"Of course I noticed," she pouted. "I guess...I guess I just don't want to completely forget who I was before."

"That's okay." Cartman admired his work for a moment, since he really was getting better at styling hair. He hadn't even yanked on it this time. "But I think you've always been a girl, even if some fucking assholes like your parents say you made some choice to be this way. I'll kick their asses for you."

Butters sniffled, startling her boyfriend. "Oh, Eric." She turned to face him and wrapped her arms around his waist. "Thank you so much!"

"No problem.” He fell backwards with her burying her face in his toned chest. "Anything for my favorite girl."

“You’re my favorite boy.” She stiffened at the sound of someone coming up the stairs and gasped quietly. “My dad can’t see me like this!” She clumsily tried to sit up and run, only to faceplant into the mattress. “Ow.”

“Not to worry, Miss Stotch.” Cartman unlocked her window and threw it open. “Shit, you have a screen? Stand back.” He kicked it out in one motion and nodded. “Good to go!”

“What?” Butters shrieked as he picked her up bridal-style. “What are you doing?!”

“Gardyloo, bitches!” Then he jumped out the window, landing in the snow back-first. “Sweet!”

“You could’ve hurt yourself!” she scolded. “Gosh, you’re lucky I love you.” 

And that’s how the two ended up playing video games at Cartman’s house until one in the morning. Liane started to ask if they need anything, only to realize they had fallen asleep against each other. “Oh, how precious.” She took a quick picture and went back to her room, smiling proudly. Her son was so sweet.


	13. How Many of the Dead - Kenny McCormick X Kyle Broflovski (K2)

"Fuck, you've gotten really tall," was the first thing Kenny said after his friend angrily shoved him to the floor. "You're towering over me."

"Don't act like nothing happened! I know you died yesterday, I saw it!" Kyle slammed his fist inches from his head. "Impaled! Tell me I'm wrong, Kenny! I dare you!"

He stared, open-mouthed. "You remembered." He shook his head. "That isn't right, this isn't how it goes."

"What are you babbling about?! Why did Cartman tell me this is a regular thing?! Why the fuck wouldn't I remember my friend dying in front of me?!" He poked him in the chest harshly. "Are you calling me fucking stupid?!"

Kenny sighed. "No, I'm not. I've died a lot over the years, and you never remembered. Why now, huh? Why do you suddenly remember my death?"

"I..." Kyle was shaking.

"Hey, hey." He sat up and squeezed his shoulder. "I'm okay, I'm back now." Dammit, he was crying. "Don't worry, I'm here."

His body quivered from the sobs as he bowed his head, not wanting to look at him. Crying in front of people was so embarrassing, no matter how well you knew them. "I thought I lost you forever!" He jumped forward, wrapping all four limbs around him wherever he could. "Don't do this to me again, you bastard!"

"Holy shit." Kenny slowly hugged him with a sigh. "I don't do it on purpose, Kyle. I never meant to hurt any of you guys with my stupid curse. You're mad? I'm mad too! Why do you remember now, what the fuck has changed? I hate that I can't just live a normal life where I don't have to watch my back every day." 

"Does it hurt?" he whispered.

He narrowed his eyes. "Yes, getting impaled stings a little bit." He softened at his hurt look. "Sometimes it's quick, other times it takes a little while to actually die. I'm completely aware most of the time, and the pain and fear is-"

Kyle retched, letting go of him. He turned and vomited on the floor for at least twenty seconds before taking in deep, gasping breaths. "Oh god, oh my god, I can't."

"Kyle!" Kenny stumbled to his feet to get him a glass of water and some ice chips. "Here, eat these before you try the water. You're less likely to get sick again."

"Your big brother is showing," he gagged. He shoved the ice in his mouth and crunched on it, face slowly regaining color. "You've been dying for years?"

"Oh, definitely. Remember Damien? We hang out if I go to hell." He growled deep in his throat. "Little bastard always kicks my ass at UNO." He tilted his head. "Speaking of remembering things, we've had a similar conversation when we were nine or something. It was when Cartman teamed up with Cthulhu and acted like a huge douche, and I told you guys I couldn't die."

"I definitely don't remember that." Kyle took slow, gentle sips of his water. "Then what?"

"You said you thought it would be pretty cool not to die, and I fucking tore into you for it. I shot myself in front of all of you, and it was like nothing had happened the next day. I thought I'd live my whole, I can't call it a life, with the only other person not giving enough of a shit to talk about it with me." Kenny's blond locks framed his face, which twisted into a sad smile. "I'm sorry I've dragged you into my curse."

"Don't you dare apologize." He pulled him into a tight hug, resting his chin on his shoulder. "What if I forget the next time you die, Kenny? I don't want to forget!"

"There's only one way to find out, Kyle." He nodded to the gun in his pocket.

"You can't!" Kyle grabbed his hands, lip quivering. "We don't know what could happen! I might forget just this death, or the one from yesterday, or both! I don't want to re-live finding out again!"

Kenny's face hardened. "I know." He stood up, then began pacing around the room. "But I want to do this for you, for both of us. I'll die again at some point, so sooner is better than later. I'll be back tomorrow, I promise."

"I can't watch," he sobbed. "I can't watch you do this!"

"Then you might forget. I don't want you to have to see this either, but you have a higher chance of remembering if you see." He took the gun out of his pocket, regarding it almost fondly. "Seriously, I'll be back before you know it." He turned the gun over in his hands before raising it to his head. "I-"

"I can't watch the person I love more than anything shoot themselves in front of me!" Kyle hiccuped. They both stared at each other in shock.

"You love me?" Kenny's eyes lit up with life. "Really?"

"More than anything! It shouldn't have taken you dying for me to tell you!" He wiped the snot from his nose. "I probably look so gross right now."

"Never." He knocked the hat off his head and pulled him to his feet. "You may not remember me dying, but god, I hope you at least remember this." He smashed their lips together clumsily for a full minute before moving away, chuckling at the redhead's expression. "Time to find out."

And they found out.


	14. Thin Ice - Timmy Burch X Reader

"You've never been ice-skating?" You pressed your hands against your head, jaw dropping.

"Timmy." Timmy shrugged his shoulders. "Tim-Timmy." Of course he hadn't.

"That's crazy, Timmy!" You finished tying your skates and pointed to Stark's Pond. "I can show you how, okay? It'll be fun!"

"Huh, Timmy." He glanced at the ice wearily. He didn't trust it one bit, and he'd be damned if he got you hurt because he wasn't like everyone else.

"Oh, you're right. I'm not sure the ice will hold under your wheelchair." You tied another pair of skates on his feet before lifting him up out of the chair, awkwardly stumbling to your destination. "Do you trust me?"

Timmy nodded once, smiling. "Timmy!"

"Cool! Just hang on the best you can, alright?" You stepped onto the ice with an excited noise. "This is going to be great!" You gently set him down on his legs, which immediately slid out from underneath him. "Whoops! I got you!" With little effort, you were able to get him off the ice and sort of standing. "Well, any ideas on how to get you moving?"

"Timmy." He wrapped his arms around your shoulders and pointed forward. "Timmy!"

"Great idea, genius!" The two of you - well, it was mostly you skating while he held on - skated out into the center of the pond. "Let me know if we need to stop for whatever reason." 

Timmy nodded once. He trusted you completely and knew you would never harm him on purpose. "Timmy." He inhaled the scent of your shampoo and sighed, wondering how he got so lucky. You didn't treat him like he was different. You saw him as another person who was just like everyone else. His grip began slipping due to his distracting thoughts. "Timmy!"

"Hey, you're supposed to hang on!" You made a grab for him, but it didn't matter. Both of you ended up sprawled out across the ice in a tangle of messy limbs.

"Ugh, Timmy." He tried to sit up, then saw you weren’t moving. He shook your shoulder as hard as he could. "Timmy? Tim-Timmy, (Y/N)! Timmy!"

You opened your eyes, gasping. "Hey. I'm fine, I just got some of the wind knocked out of me."

"(Y/N)!" Timmy cheered, clumsily kissing all over your face. "Timmy, Timmy!"

"Of course I'm not dead!" You giggled quietly. "Are you dead?"

He looked down at himself, touching his chest with his arms. "Uh, Timmy?"

"Good." You grinned sheepishly. "I'm really sorry. This was a bad idea, but I just wanted you to have some fun with me."

"Timmy!" Timmy shook his head. "Livin' a lie, Timmy! Timmy, (Y-Y/N), yeah?" 

"Aw, you’re sweet." You nudged him with your shoulder. "You ready to go?" You stopped, noticing he was struggling to say something. "Hey, what is it? Don't strain yourself."

"I-I-I-" He grunted in frustration, clenching his hands into fists. "Aaaah! I-I love you!"

"Holy shit!" You picked him up and swung him around, causing him to squeal. "I love you too, you crazy boy!”


	15. Dancing with the Devil - Damien Thorn X Kenny McCormick (Damnny)

Damien crossed his arms, narrowing his eyes at the beaming young man in front of him. "I heard you died yesterday and went upstairs instead of downstairs. What did you do this time?"

"Funny story," Kenny chuckled. "Cartman bet like fifty bucks he could shove more cherries up his ass, so-"

"Got it." He rolled his eyes. "I'll add that to the list of your stupidity."

His grin only became wider. "There's what, seventy-five listed?"

"Seventy-eight and growing." Damien crawled through the window, tumbling rather ungracefully to the floor. "Damn the mortals and their mortal inventions!"

"Please, like you don't have windows in hell." Kenny nearly ripped his parka in the process of taking it off, revealing a white t-shirt underneath. "Come up on the bed with me, babe."

The noirette rolled his eyes but obeyed, sitting cross-legged next to him. "Do you have to call me that?"

"I think it's cute." He buried his face in the crook of his neck. "My cute little demon boyfriend."

"I'm not cute." Damien's lips twitched up into a smile and his cheeks burned redder than the flames of his home. "I'm terrifying, and I can bring a thousand years of darkness with just a snap of my fingers!"

"Sure thing, dork." Kenny pulled him until they were both lying down, just staring up at the ceiling. He bit his lip, feeling somber. "I know my house is a shithole compared to your place, I'm sorry you have to see it."

He raised a jagged eyebrow. "What are you talking about? It's not like you can help it." He ran his fingers over the lumpy mattress, wincing. "I could get you a new one."

"You don't have to do that." He turned his back to him. "Just cuddle with me."

"Whatever." Damien wrapped his arms around his frail waist and pulled him flush against him, stopping once they couldn't move any closer. He could hear Kenny's pulse if he listened hard enough. Maybe his boyfriend could hear his heart too, if such a thing existed. It would've been exploding out of his chest if he had one. Heart or no heart, his stomach did flips when they shared such intimate moments like these.

"You're so warm," Kenny whispered.

"Cold, sweetheart?" He gagged at the cheesy nickname that slipped out of his mouth, but Kenny just giggled. "This never happened!"

"Okay, Lucifer Jr." He sighed happily. "You know something else I love about you, besides the fact that you're a living space heater?"

"My good looks?" Damien nipped at his neck.

"Eep!" Kenny squeaked, then burst into laughter. "Yes, but something else! I love how tall you are."

"I am taller than you," he nodded.

"Mmm, I like tall guys. They take care of you and treat you really nice, even if they're literally the spawn of Satan." He crooned happily as a finger slowly trailed up and down his bare arm, a tingly sensation rushing through him. It took him a bit, but he noticed a pattern. Damien would stroke up and down four times, sigh into his ear, and hold him just a little tighter. "Dancing."

"What?" Damien's eyes snapped open.

"Dancing has patterns and steps, and what you're doing right now has those. It's like we're dancing." Kenny turned to face him. "Romantic as shit, huh?"

"You're cheesy, McCormick." He pushed on the back of his head and brought him into a needy kiss. "And I'm dancing, not you."

"I can change that." He placed his hand over his and squeezed. "Just watch."


	16. Bloody Roses and Pink Lipstick - Eric Cartman X Wendy Testaburger (Candy)

He'd never admit it, but Cartman was nervous around girls.

How the hell did they even work? Seriously, it was like they were a completely different species from him! He could go on and on about how weird they were, but not while he was feeling like a giant coward. He squeezed the stem of the rose in his hand, nearly snapping it.

"Shit," Cartman swore as a few thorns pierced his flesh. You're doing great, asshole. You hadn't even approached her yet. He sighed at the blood beading around the puncture marks, deciding to ignore them. He had a mission to complete.

"Yeah, the whole thing!" Bebe was leaning against her locker, chattering away to his target. Go time.

"Wendy." Cartman cleared his throat, hiding the rose behind his back.

"Eric?" Wendy took her attention off her best friend to give it to the boy. 

"Uh, lovely weather we're having." He facepalmed, mouthing "weather, really?" to himself.

"I guess so, yeah." She pursed her lips, obviously uncomfortable. "Did you need something?"

Cartman gulped. "Kinda? I mean, no. I'd appreciate it, but it's not mandatory! Do what you want!" Bebe snickered, and he growled at her.

"Oooookay." Wendy was ever-so-slowly inching away in the opposite direction. Fuck, fix it!

"How's Stan?" he blurted out.

"Stan?" She raised an eyebrow. "He's your friend, why don't you ask him? You are aware he's dating Kyle and not me, right?"

Cartman huffed. "Yes, I know! Look, are you currently single?"

"Why?" Wendy tilted her head. "I am, but why do you ask?"

"Uh." His mind blanked. Say something, moron! He opened his mouth, closed it, opened it again, and closed it. Words were hard, English was hard, everything was hard. He couldn't do this.

"Eric?" She waved a hand in front of his face. "Are you-"

"ILIKEYOUGOOUTWITHME?" Cartman nearly shoved the rose in her face. He panted, cheeks dusted pink. He did it. 

"Oh my god!" Bebe slid to the floor. "No way, I'm totally dreaming right now!"

Wendy's face was blank as she slowly accepted the rose. "Is there blood on this?"

"Not telling." He winced at his throbbing hand.

She smirked, amused. "You're supposed to cut the thorns off first."

"I knew that! I'm not stupid!"

"Sure you did, Eric."

"Goodbye!" Cartman turned on his heel and began to stomp away, furiously scrubbing at his eyes with his arm. He wasn't going to cry. You can't cry over something you knew would happen. He wasn't going to cry. He wasn't-dammit.

"Wait a minute!" Wendy grabbed a fistful of his red sweater, stopping him dead in his tracks. "You didn't even give me a chance to answer your question!"

"I already know the answer! Go and tell everyone that stupid Eric Cartman likes you, I don't-" His eyes snapped wide open. She was kissing him. KISSING HIM.

Do something, stupid!

Cartman blinked, then slowly began to kiss back. Bebe gasped in the background and squealed out an "ew." Who cares. Wendy wrapped her arms around him just as he was starting to move away and deepened the kiss. He could feel the smooth texture of her pink lipstick against his own lips, accompanied by an odd but not unwelcome taste.

"Mmm." Wendy stepped back with a smile. "So, where did you say you were taking me for our date?"

"I didn't." Cartman snickered. Her lipstick was smeared halfway across her face. "Uh, I guess you can decide."

"Sure, Eric. We can talk more after school, sound good? I should get to class soon." She giggled quietly. "By the way, pink looks good on you."

He sputtered, wiping at his lips. "Get back here, you bitch!" He chased her down the hallway, earning him weird looks. For once, he didn't even mind.

Bebe dropped her schoolbooks and fainted on the spot.


	17. Short Skirts - Clyde Donovan X Male!Cheerleader!Reader

"We've got spirit!" you and the rest of the cheerleaders chanted. "S-P-I-R-I-T spirit! So let's hear it! We've got spirit!"

"(Y/N) is so fucking gay, dude." Cartman took out his phone to snap a few pictures. "Check out all the filters I can add to make him look gayer."

"Real mature, fatass." Kyle shoved him so hard he almost fell off the bleachers. "Watch the damn game."

Kenny sighed wistfully. "Man, I wish he didn't have a different uniform from the girls. Can you imagine that ass in a skirt?"

"No, Kenny. We can't and never will imagine that." Stan blinked. "Fuck, I can see it!"

"Give 'em hell, honey!" you shouted.

"Oh!" Clyde caught the ball and winked at you. "Damn straight, babe! We're mopping the floor with these losers!"

"People in the stands, get on your feet and clap your hands!" Kenny jumped up and clapped like his life depended on it, causing you to laugh. "Hey, all you Cows fans! Ride on, ride on, woo! Ride on, ride on, huh!"

 _"But he wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts! He's cheer captain, and I'm on the bleachers,"_ Cartman sang. "But seriously, a guy cheerleader?"

Kyle facepalmed, exhaling through his nose. "First of all," he raised his head, "cheerleading used to be an all-male sport. Women weren't allowed to join until the twenties, and it still took a long time for them to be recognized and practically dominate the sport."

"You shouldn't know that, nerd." He picked at his fingernails. "Besides, is it even a real sp-"

Kenny leapt across Stan and Kyle's laps to clamp a hand over his mouth. "Do NOT let them hear you!"

"South Park wins!" 

"Whoah, cool!" Stan stood up and clapped. "We don't suck after all!"

"We're so proud of you, yes, we're so proud of you!" All of the football players streamed out and gave you high-fives on the way to the locker room.

"(Y/N)!" Clyde pushed past his fellow teammates to get to you. His hair was stuck to his forehead with sweat under his helmet, which he took off in one quick movement. "Did you see me? Did you?"

"I sure did, Clyde!" You held up your hand, but he just grabbed it and pulled you into a kiss instead. You moaned into his mouth and allowed him to pick you up and press you up against the fence, threading your fingers through his hair.

"You helped me believe I could do it." He gently set you down. "We're going to win all the games, babe! Will you be there?"

"You know I'll always be watching you." Laughing, you put his helmet on your head. "Can I stay over at your place tonight?"

"GROSS!" Cartman threw his arms in the air and ran off. "GAY GAY GAY HOLY SHIT GAY!"

Kenny snickered. "He can't run from his sexuality forever, dude. Just wait."


	18. 4 - Eric Cartman X Kyle Broflovski X Stan Marsh X Kenny McCormick (KymanStenny?)

Kyle stood in front of the bathroom mirror with the most impressive scowl he could muster on his face. His signature ushanka was tossed haphazardly to the floor so he could run his fingers through his unruly curls, and he scoffed. "Fucking goofy is what you are, Broflovski."

"Kyle? Are you doing alright in there?" Stan knocked on the door. "It's been like twenty minutes!"

"Yeah, I'm fine." He flushed the toilet and ran the faucet as if he had actually done anything other than feel contempt for himself. What a joke.

"Well, it's about time the hot one joined us!" Kenny was on the floor, lying on his stomach in only a gray sweatshirt and yoga pants, watching Cartman play The Walking Dead. Cartman was wearing Stan's letterman jacket, which had no business looking so good on him. 

"I thought you were the hot one." He looked up from his game.

"No, I'm the sexy one. I'm sexy, Kyle is hot, and Stan is cute."

"Wait, then what am I?"

"Passable."

"Kiiiiiiiiiinnyyyyyyyyy," Cartman whined. 

"Actually, I might just promote him to sexy. What happened to the hat?" Damn Kenny for being so observant.

Kyle sighed, glancing back at the bathroom. "I'll go get-"

"NO!" Cartman roared, throwing down his controller and grabbing Kyle by the collar. "I-I mean, you can get it later. Sit with us." He awkwardly cleared his throat. "Uh huh, just sit."

Stan patted the space next to him, gaping. "Dude, check out his hair."

"Aw, he's like you when you dressed as gay Raggedy Andy for Halloween after Wendy tricked you," he cooed. "Look at all the red, I bet he loses combs in there!"

"Definitely wouldn't surprise me." Kenny jumped into his lap and started playing with it happily. "It's so soft and beautiful! What kind of conditioner do you use?"

"I wanna feel!" Stan then jumped into Kenny's lap. "That's pretty damn shiny. Don't jump on me, fatass."

"I'm not fat, you jock asshole!" Cartman eyed the abandoned Xbox controller on the floor. "Guys, look at Kyle's face. He looks like someone just died or something."

"Why are you all complimenting me?" Kyle blurted out. The other three looked at each other in confusion.

"Uh, because you deserve it?" Kenny scratched his head. "And you're our boyfriend?"

He groaned, frustrated. "But my hair is stupid, how can you find it beautiful?"

Cartman sucked in air through his teeth and shrank under the glares directed towards him. "Goddamn, are the asshole comments I made when I was a shitty kid still getting to you?"

"You called it ugly," he mumbled.

"Oh, come on, you know I don't think that!"

"Do I?"

Stan sighed, pressing a kiss to his cheek. "Baby, you need to tell us when something like this is bothering you. There nothing wrong with how you look, and it makes us love you even more."

"Yeah, I kinda wish my hair was like yours." Kenny blew a strand of blond hair out of his face. "Mine's dirty most of the time."

"Mine reminds me of my dumbass dad," he groaned.

Cartman touched his hair. "Mine is meh, but yours like, pops. You make it work, and it suits you perfectly. Especially the way it frames your eyes."

Kyle nodded once, tears sliding down his cheeks. "I love you guys so much." He fell back in laughter as all three of them kissed his face. "Now give me a turn on the Xbox!"


	19. All Along - Craig Tucker X Reader

"And then we went to Peru. I was soooooo happy."

You burst out laughing at Craig's tone, causing him to blush. "No fucking way! Then what?"

"Giant guinea pigs," Craig continued. "I said I was walking away but instead I saved the world. I learned to never let the four assholes use my money. The end." 

"Such an enthralling story. I'll see you at lunch, okay?" You waved, then ran down the hall.

"Sure." He sighed, watching your retreating figure with a small hint of regret. He could've said something, anything, but he just chickened out like he always did when you talked. You'd never take him seriously anyways, since he always sounded sarcastic. 

"You need to ask them out already." Tweek, his "ex-boyfriend", tapped his shoulder. 

Craig jumped about a foot in the air, scowling. "Dude, no fucking way. They are way out of my league." 

The blond scoffed, tugging on his own shirt collar. "Don't give me any of that shit! I'm pretty sure half the school ships you more than they ever shipped us! Haven't you seen the fanart?"

"I like to pretend that history isn't repeating itself, so no." He narrowed his eyes at the folder given to him. "What's this?"

"I collect the art!" Tweek seemed proud of himself, the smug bastard. "We have really good artists at this school, actually! Butters does a lot of them!"

That made Craig raise a skeptical eyebrow. "Really? Butters is an artist?" He opened the folder and flipped through it, stoic face giving way to a shocked one. "Wait, why are they making ME the uke?!"

"You know why." He grinned, taking the folder back. "Just tell them, Craig. They totally like you back."

"The day I tell (Y/N) I like them is the day Kyle and Cartman make out in the school bathroom." He stuck out his tongue.

Tweek giggled, then burst into hysterical laughter. "You mean you didn't hear? Token walked in on that exact same scenario last week!"

Craig snarled. "You're bullshitting me."

He laughed even harder, nearly doubling over. "No, now you got a person to confess your love to! If you really don't believe me, I have photo evidence of-"

"I'll go talk to them!" He'd sooner DIE than see such a cursed photo with his own eyes.

\---

"That's amazing!" You nodded along as Kenny recounted the story of one of his adventures, only for him to be interrupted by a loud crash. "What?" You turned around just in time to see Craig shove the lunch trays off your table and jump onto it. "Craig, what the hell are you-"

"I LIKE YOU, (Y/N)! WILL YOU GO OUT WITH ME?!" Craig's legs were wobbling as he jumped down, silently apologizing for destroying people's lunches. He looked right at you and gulped. This was a bad idea, wasn't it? Dammit, Tweek!

But then you grinned, surprising him. "It's about damn time! I thought I would have to ask first!"

"Seriously?" He finally willed his legs to stop shaking. "You like me back? When did that happen?"

"I've liked you all along, Craig." You rolled your eyes. "Ever since I met you, I thought you were an amazing guy. You're so mysterious and funny, and you have a big heart. You make me laugh and feel happy. I want you to be my boyfriend."

Craig's jaw dropped as almost the entire cafeteria (Cartman was gagging) clapped for you two. "Holy shit. If I could be your boyfriend I would be soooooo happy." A tiny smile tugged at the corners of his lips. 

"Then you're about to be ecstatic." You kissed him right there in front of everyone as Tweek screamed out of joy. 

"Can I still draw art of you two?" Butters asked. 

You and Craig flipped him off without looking up or breaking the kiss.


	20. Going Against the Norm - Eric Cartman X FtM!Reader

Well, fuck you, huh?

You groaned, trying to decide if you should curl into a fetal position or not move at all. You decided to just lie there and take it, even though you were seriously debating if that was the right choice. Sharp, stabbing pains pierced your abdomen, and you groaned louder. "Fffffuck!"

"(-N)? (Y/N)? Baby?" 

You cracked your eyes open at the familiar voice of...someone. The pain made you forget and unable to register who. "Huh?"

"Baby, are you okay?" That's right, it was your boyfriend. Cartman took off his gloves and felt your forehead. "No fever, so that's good. What do you need me to do?"

You smiled weakly to show your appreciation, while at the same time it was from the thought of telling the others how kind he could be when he actually tried. You decided against it, since you didn't need a lecture anytime soon. "Hurts. Took ibuprofen two hours ago. Have to wait four to six."

"Bullshit! If my boyfriend is going down, then he's taking me down with him!" He slammed a package down and began to rip it open. "I ordered something just for this occasion!"

"What the fuck is that?" Your jaw dropped as he jammed batteries into a strange device and began sticking electrodes on his stomach and back. "What the fuck are you doing?!"

"It's uterUS, (Y/N)! We're in this together!" Cartman turned the dial up to three and immediately collapsed, screaming bloody murder. "OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK HOW DO YOU DO THIS EVERY MONTH I'M GOING TO DIE!"

You ripped the stickers off of him, chuckling weakly. "You don't have to do that, Eric. I don't want you to be in pain just because you feel bad for me." Curious, you turned on the device. "Dude, this is what it feels like on my mildest day."

"That's bullshit." His eyes softened as he placed a hand on your back. "Baby, shh. Don't cry."

"This isn't supposed to happen," you sobbed. "This isn't right! I'm not supposed to be like this, I'm supposed to be a boy!"

"Who the fuck said you aren't?" Cartman's bare hands gently rested on your cheeks, wiping at the stray tears. "You're more of a man than me, Kyle, Stan, Kenny, and Butters combined! Er, take that last one as you will. Butters isn't much of a man in the first place."

You chuckled, nodding. "That's really sweet of you to say. Thank you for getting them to treat me like another one of the guys."

"You are another one of the guys." He stuck out his tongue. "And you're welcome, blackmail can work wonders."

"Eric Theodore Cartman, did you blackmail our friends?" You placed your hands on your hips.

"I'm afraid that is classified information, and if you ask me again I'll-"

"Feed my parents to me?"

"Ay! Why won't anyone forget about that?!" Cartman balled his hands into fists, eyebrows scrunching up, only to stop at the sound of your laughter. Annoyance gave way to contentedness, and he smiled. You looked beautiful like that, and he just fell for you even more. He kissed the laughter from your mouth before you knew what was happening. "There's that smile."

"I love you, my cheesy poof." Your abdomen pulsed painfully. "Ow, could you please get off me?"

"Sorry." He snapped his fingers, lifting up your shirt. "Who wants a tummy rub? Does (Y/N) want a tummy rub?" He fell off the couch with a groan as you kneed him in the chest. "Rude!"


	21. Shake That - Stan Marsh X Kenny McCormick (Stenny)

Stan hung up his letterman jacket in his closet, sighing. Another rough day as usual in the quiet little mountain town he called home. All he wanted to do was sleep for twenty hours, fuck the report he had to do. He collapsed face-first onto his bed with a pleased sound. It would be nice to-"EEK!"

"Hey, good-looking!" Kenny jumped on top of him, arms and legs out like a starfish. "What's up?" He shifted lower to squeeze his ass firmly. "You left this out for me?"

"What the actual fuck?!" He snapped his head over to his open window, quickly connecting the dots. "Why?!"

He pouted, rolling off of him. "Just wanted to see my sexy boyfriend. I didn't realize it was a crime."

"Uh, breaking and entering is a huge crime!" Stan pinched the bridge of his nose in annoyance. "But that's never stopped you, has it?"

"Nnnnnnope." Kenny popped the 'p' and giggled. "You really have no idea how incredible your ass is. You're a jock and you're pretty active, so you would expect it to be firm. Instead, it's so soft and moldable and I love squeezing it. Plus I'm always staring at it when you aren't looking."

"You what?!" His face burned bright red. "Jesus, Kenny! What if someone notices?!"

"Oh, everyone's noticed. Wanna hear my opinion on your thighs?" He shrank under the harsh glare. "No?"

"Get out," Stan deadpanned. "Just go."

Kenny latched onto his leg like a koala. "No!"

"Kenny!" He pushed at his shoulders in vain, trying to get him to move even a little bit. No luck.

He put on his best puppydog eyes and pouted. "I'm sowwy, Stanny. Can I kiss you?"

"No." Stan crossed his arms. "I'm pissed at you." He turned away, ignoring the disappointed whines. No giving in.

"I'll make it worth your while," Kenny drawled.

He twitched at the feeling of his hot breath against his ear, but he could hold out. He was strong. "No thank you."

"Hmph." He sighed, fishing a crumpled cigarette out of his pocket. "Whatever, guess I'll smoke in here."

"No you will not," Stan snapped. "You want my mom to kick my ass into next Thursday?"

"Hell no, your ass is mine." Kenny pinched it. 

"THAT IS IT!" He quickly tackled him to his bed and growled. "You want attention, McCormick?! You got it!" 

He laughed nervously. "What does that mean?"

"I love you, Kenny. I love you so much." Stan cheered internally over his small victory. "Look at you, all blushy just from me. Is someone embarrassed?"

Kenny squeaked, covering his face. "No! Kenneth McCormick doesn't blush or get embarrassed by anything! The fucking lighting is bad in your room!"

"Mwah, mwah. I love you." He laughed evilly at his red-tinted cheeks. "You look like a fucking tomato."

"Fuck off!" He squealed out more and  protests and "STAAAAAAAN"s to the boy straddling him. Why did he have to be so weak when surprised?

\---

"But Kahhhhhhl." Cartman was dragging his feet all the way upstairs. "Why do we need the hippie's help?"

"Why don't you ever stop complaining, fat boy? Ever think of that?" Kyle laughed, clutching his textbook tighter against his chest. "I just think he could contribute a lot to the project."

He rolled his eyes. "He's not your partner, I am."

"Teacher didn't say we couldn't help each other out," he reasoned. "Let's just see what he has to say." He twisted the doorknob to Stan's room and strolled in. "Hey, I-"

"Uh."

"Um."

Cartman's eyes darted back and forth between Kyle and the blushing, sweaty Kenny underneath Stan. "Hey, homos."

"THIS ISN'T WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!" Stan screeched. "K-Kenny was just-"

"-being a brat, so you had to punish him?" Kyle interrupted. "Dude, can you please just lock the door or put a sock on the knob next time? We don't need to be seeing the freaky shit you get up to when you're alone."

"Your fault for not knocking." Kenny gave him a sultry smile and slapped Stan's ass. "Looks like I get the last laugh."


	22. Promposal - Craig Tucker X Kenny McCormick (Crenny)

Token blinked, trying to figure out if what he was seeing was real. "Kenny, what is that?"

"Hmm?" Kenny raised the basket over his head. "About a thousand bouncy balls, why do you ask?"

"Never mind." He rolled his eyes and waved over his shoulder. "Good luck or whatever."

"I'll probably need it." He sighed, continuing on in the direction of his classroom. This sucked. Kenneth McCormick wasn't supposed to be shy around boys or girls, he was supposed to be a smooth guy. Craig Tucker just had to go throwing him off with his stupid dreamy eyes and handsome face and hilarious attitude.

Class seemed to drag on forever. Once the bell finally rang, Kenny gathered the basket in his arms and ran. There was only a small window of opportunity to do this.

“This should be good.” Kyle took out his phone and started filming.

He ran up to Craig's locker and shut it in his face. "Hey." He leaned up against it with a suave look.

Craig didn’t appreciate that. “Literally what the fuck, dude?" He swung his book bag at him. Hard. "I was using that.”

"Yeah?" Kenny stopped leaning against his locker and dumped the basket over his head. “TIMBER!” The bouncy balls rained down, jumping every possible direction in the hallway. A few students ran and others slipped. Kyle snickered behind the camera.

"DUDE!" He snatched his hat off his head to clear it of any remaining balls, middle finger at the ready. "What the actual fu-"

"I finally got the balls to ask you to prom." He dropped the basket and grabbed his hands. “Craig Fucker, will you go to prom with me?”

“That’s pretty gay,” Cartman whispered.

Craig’s eyes widened, causing the parka-clad boy to cheer internally for the victory. “Are-are you shitting me right now?” He stuttered. Bonus points.

Kenny shook his head. “No, I mean it. Go to prom with me.” He pushed his hood down and grinned, revealing slightly-crooked teeth with dark blue braces. “That is, if you’ll have this poor kid.”

“I can’t believe this.” He sighed, nodding. “Kenny McCorDICK, you better not be in a slutty outfit when I pick you up.”

“I’ll be however you want me to be, baby.” He finger-gunned at him and hurried to second period so he wouldn’t be late. Not because he didn’t want him to see his flushed cheeks. That would be crazy.

“Dude?” Tweek squeezed Craig’s shoulder, concerned. “Are you okay? Say something, man!”

Craig turned around, all the color gone from his face. He looked positively ill. “I’m going to prom with Kenny McCormick.”

“Isn’t that good? You’re always talking about him!” He tugged at his collar. “I’m happy for you.”

“I am freaking out. Fuck this, I need to go somewhere to die.” He only made it a few steps before he tripped over a ball and landed flat on his face. “Ow.”

Kyle stopped filming and tapped his chin. “Yeah, that’ll do. Fantastic.” Craig grabbed his ankle and pulled him down with him before he could make his escape.


	23. Obstacles Gone - Butters Stotch X Reader

Finally, the last bell had rung. You ran down the hallway, searching for your boyfriend. There he was! “Butters!" You hugged him around the neck, beaming. "How are you?"

"(Y/N)." Butters gently pushed you off, no trace of a smile on his face. You tilted your head. "M-my parents weren't here this morning. What if they're hurt or lost or something? Should I call the police?"

"That's awful, I'm so sorry. Yeah, wait a day or two. They won't consider this a missing persons case until then, but I'm sure they're fine and just out somewhere." You squeezed his shoulder, smiling sadly. "Are you gonna be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?"

He sniffled, nodding. "Will you stay with me tonight if they don't come back? I wanna spend as much time with you as possible before they try and stop us from being together again."

"Of course, Butters. Anything you need I'll give you." You kissed the top of his head, causing him to giggle. "You feeling better now?"

"Uh huh." Butters bit his lip, then kissed you properly. You grabbed a fistful of his blond fohawk and kissed back, melting into the feeling. He was always a bit shy to start out with, but eventually joined you in your passion. Craig flipped you off as you separated, laughing. "Sit next to me on the bus?"

"Of course." You held out your hand for him to take.

"I'm the luckiest guy in the world!" he announced proudly.

You shook your head. "I'm luckier."

\---  
Butters laughed as the two of you did his makeup horribly, not trying very hard. Sure, lipstick was in his teeth and mascara was smudged something awful, but you still thought he looked as cute as always. "Am I beautiful now?"

"You were always beautiful." You glanced down at the makeup box. "Are you sure your mom won't ground you for using her things and going in her room?"

He shrugged. "It's worth it if I got to have this moment with you! And that's only if she finds out!" He pressed a finger to his lips. "Shh."

"Oh, are you turning into a bad boy on me? I kind of like it." You gently dabbed some concealer under his eyes. "Maybe you should hang out with dumbass Cartman more."

"Golly, I don't think I could handle that!" Butters sighed, removing your hand from his face and lacing your fingers together. "Thanks for calming me down, I was real scared earlier. Heck, I was worrying for nothing, right? They're probably just spending the day together somewhere and forgot to leave a note."

You nodded, scowling. "How mean of them to make you worry like that."

"Yeah, maybe." He scrunched his nose up as he giggled from the makeup brush dusting over his cheeks. "When is it your turn?"

"Actually, I'm getting a little tired. Maybe we can do that tomorrow." You carefully began wiping off his face and neck with makeup wipes.

"Oh, of course! I guess I'm a little sleepy." Butters took the wipe from you and finished cleaning himself, then unzipped his jacket. He pulled his undershirt over his head before gasping. "I-I didn't mean to strip in front of you, (Y/N)! I can sleep in a t-shirt if it'll make you feel better!"

"It's fine," you laughed. You stripped down to your underwear and gestured over to his bed. "Well? Come on."

He nodded stiffly, yanking off his pants. "You're sure?"

"Are you?" you shot back.

"I don't mind!" Butters squealed as the two of you fell onto his bed and under the covers. "Comfy?"

"Always." You tangled your bare legs together and stroked his cheek. "I'm so in love with you, Leo."

He nodded, kissing you hard. "I'm so in love with you too!" Both of you closed your eyes and drifted off to sleep.

\---

You opened your eyes, blinking at the moonlight streaming through the window. Your phone read that it was a little after two in the morning. Quietly removing yourself from Butters, you quickly got dressed and put on your shoes. Then you ran outside and out the door towards your house, not stopping until you were through the front door and down to the basement. You smiled at the sight in front of you.

“Mmph!” Linda jolted awake and sobbed through the duct tape on her mouth, turning away. She struggled against the ropes that tied her to the chair and tried to rouse her husband, who was next to her and bound in the same way.

Stephen’s eyes opened, then landed on you. He yelled several curses and “you’re so grounded” behind his gag, which just made you laugh.

“I always hated hearing your voice, Mr. Stotch. The first time I heard you yell at my darling Leo, I wanted to _kill you right then and there._ Obviously I held back, but forbidding us to see each other and hitting him? I’m not forgetting that.” You ran your finger down the blade of your knife. “I’m still going to kill you. I’ll take my sweet time doing it. You will feel the torment Leopold felt and then some. How does it feel being defenseless against someone like he was?”

You sighed, taking a step back. “I do feel bad that he’ll never know what happened to his asshole parents, but then again, no one will. Are you ready?”


	24. Super Boyfriends - Kenny McCormick X Clyde Donovan (Clenny)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **A/N: ENDGAME SPOILERS!**

A few tears were being shed in the dark theater as the somber scene played out in front of the audience, glowing eerily off faces. Two friends, Aaron and Maddie, were watching intently. Maddie was filming Aaron's tears. Everything seemed reasonably normal.

"WWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"

"The hell?" Aaron jerked his head over towards the front rows. Maddie pointed her camera in the same direction. The sound came from a young man in a letterman jacket, obviously a jock. He was really tall and handsome, overall well-built.

And he was screaming.

"TONYYYYYYYY!" The boy's tears cascaded down his cheeks like waterfalls, and he slid out of his seat onto the floor. "WAAAAAAAAH!"

The boy next to him wearing a dirty orange parka knelt down and placed a hand on his back. "Shh, sweetheart. It's just a movie, okay? I don't want you to cry."

"YOU SAID THIS WOULD BE FUN FOR BOTH OF US!" He pointed an accusing finger at his face. "I WANNA DIEEEEEE!"

"I'm sorry, okay? Everything's going to be alright." His voice was slightly muffled behind his hood. 

"This is gold," Maddie whispered.

"AY!" A boy in a blue hat with a yellow puffball jumped up from the back. "WE TOLD YOU NOT TO BRING YOUR CRYBABY PUSSY BOYFRIEND, KINNY! WE WEREN'T ENOUGH FOR YA, HUH?!" 

"Yeah Kenny, why didn't you sit with us?"

"Lame!"

"Be quiet so we can watch the movie, all of you!" Maddie snapped. Aaron had long stopped crying and instead was giggling like a madman into his hands. 

He gasped, eyes flickering between them and the two boys next to him crying on each other's shoulders. "That's it! Screw you guys, I'm going home!" He stormed out, stopping to shoot a "fuck you Heidi" at a random girl. She rolled her eyes and moved down several rows.

"Whoah." Aaron blinked, scooting over to make room for the Heidi girl. "Hey. You know that guy?"

"Sadly," she sighed. "But whatever, I'm really enjoying the movie! What about you?"

"I can send you his tears so you can see for yourself!" Maddie held up her phone. 

"Dude."

\---

"That was rough."

"Yeah."

Clyde and Kenny stepped out from the theater into the sunlight together, looking exhausted. Their eyes hurt from the sudden brightness. "I thought that would be fun," Clyde groaned.

"I didn't know that was going to happen! I'm sorry, Clyde. I really am." Kenny smiled weakly, nudging his shoulder. "Share the Playboys you brought?"

"Still pissed at you," he huffed. "You're not looking at my magazines for a month."

"Pshhh!" He waved his hand. "I got the internet. But seriously, was the movie alright other than that?"

"Yeah, it actually was." Clyde smiled shyly. "I was a little confused, but I liked it. What I understood, I mean. Iron Man is my favorite."

Kenny laughed, patting his shoulder. "Why, because of what happened to him?"

Clyde shook his head. "No, it's because he's your favorite."

"Yeah, I get it. He totally-what?" His arm dropped to his side and he looked him in the eye. "You-you like Iron Man just because I do?"

"Why not? If he makes you happy then I like that." He shrugged. "It's simple."

Kenny blinked, then let out an amused chuckle. "God, Clyde. That's such a cliché thing to say. You're perfect."

"The perfectest?" Clyde asked hopefully.

"Shit yes!" He buried his face in his neck until they were both laughing so hard they couldn't breathe. "Oh my god, just kiss me already."

"Yes, Mr. Stark!" He wheezed as he was shoved playfully, landing in a bank of snow. "COLD!"


	25. Getting That Speed - Craig Tucker X Tweek Tweak (Creek)

Gross, sunlight.

A twitchy seventeen-year-old boy opened his eyes, squinting them at the sudden brightness. "Ghh!" He whined, trying to find his boyfriend so he could shield him from the death rays. The bed, however, was empty. "Aw, maaaaan!" He blindly stumbled out of bed and into the bathroom to brush his teeth. That left a mess for the future him to worry about. Yawning, he made his way to the kitchen. 

There he was. 

He came up behind his boyfriend and hugged him around the waist. "Mmm."

"Morning, Tweek." Craig set down the frying pan he was holding to hug him back. "Just making some breakfast for you."

"Yeah?" Tweek hummed. "Thank you."

"Only the best for my honey." He smirked, the bastard. He knew how much those pet names flustered him.

"Wh-whatever you say, cupcake." He stuck out his tongue. Ha, two can play at that game.

Craig choked on his own spit and turned around, the flaps of his chullo lightly slapping his face. "What did you just call me?"

"Cupcake." Tweek smiled innocently. "Why? You got a problem with it?"

"Yeah, it's dumb. Don't call me that." The blush steadily rising up to his ears told a different story. "I made you coffee. Dark roast."

His face became stormy. "Without meth?"

"Without meth." Craig hummed, turning off the burner. "No drugs at all."

"Th-that's a relief!" Tweek couldn't stop his body from twitching at that, bad memories returning. "You're the best."

"No shit." He gently dumped sunny-side up eggs on a plate for him. "Babe, are you alright?"

The withdrawal symptoms. The feeling of betrayal. The nightmares once sleeping became an option. 

The _anger._

Someone was shaking him. Tweek blinked owlishly, coming back down into the real world again. That's right, he was in the kitchen. Was someone talking to him?

"Tweek, what's wrong? Please answer me!" Craig shook harder and harder until his eyes weren't glazed over anymore. "Fuck!" He embraced him tightly. "Tweek, you scared the everloving shit out of me! Please don't do that again!"

He gulped, hugging him back. "I'm sorry, Craig. I wasn't trying to scare you."

"I know, honey. I'm sorry I yelled." Craig cupped his cheeks as his usually-stoic face shifted into one of worry. "Do you want to talk about it? Do you need to sit down? What can I do for you right now?"

“Can we stay like this just a little longer?” Tweek buried his face in his neck. “And dump the coffee so I don’t puke everywhere.”

“Done.” Craig sighed, running his fingers through his hair. “I didn’t mean to make you upset. You know that, right?”

“Of course I do.” His eyes fluttered shut. “I love you so much, Craig.”

“I love you too.” He and his boyfriend stayed in that position until the eggs grew cold.


	26. Snow Daemon - Firkle Smith X Ike Broflovski (Fike)

The last day of high school, truly a beautiful day. Young adults poured out of the newer building, paper airplanes and backpacks thrown everywhere in everyone's faces. It was a time for celebration.

"And fuck you, conformists!" 

Or other things.

Firkle took one last look at his high school and flicked a cigarette butt right at it. Time away from all the conformists, what more could someone want? "Burn, you wretched place. Burn."

"God, I have the edgiest best friend ever. Are you trying to set stuff on fire again?" A strong hand belonging to Ike landed on his shoulder and clamped down tight. So much for avoiding all the conformists.

"None of your business. And who said we were friends, huh?" He felt small with his 5'5 frame under Ike's 6'2. "Let's go."

He laughed. "Coming with me to my house? My crazy mom shouldn't be there."

"Fine." The two of them boarded the bus and sat next to each other. "I could do without her calling me a devil-worshipper." Firkle grimaced at the memory of a red-headed monster screaming about his looks.

Ike nodded. "All I can say is I'm sorry."

"Apologizing like the Canadian you are." He took out a pack of cigarettes and lit one, pushing the window down. "You want some?"

"You want my mom to hate you more?" he quipped.

"Conformist." Firkle exhaled, the smoke curling in the air around him before drifting out the window. "One hit."

"One hit," Ike agreed. He looked down at the lit cigarette, fondly regarding the purple lipstick print the goth had left. Smiling, he took his first drag. "Fuck." He ended up coughing violently and doubling over in his seat. "Dude, how do you do this?"

"I'm not a pussy-ass bitch like you, that's how." What did he see in this boy again? The doors swished open. He hopped off the bus and took back the cigarette, frowning. "You gonna invite me in or what?

"Oh, I forgot goths need to be invited before they enter someone's house." He quickly blocked the fist inches from his face as he inserted his house key.

"That's vampires!"

"Same thing."

Firkle huffed, pushing past him and sitting on the couch. "I don't know why I even bother hanging around you."

"It's because you love me too much to leave. I melted your little icy heart with my charm." Ike lied down on his back, legs resting in the other boy's lap. "Are you blushing?"

"Huh?" He blinked, feeling his face. Even if he was, wouldn't his makeup cover it? "No way."

"Cute." He yawned, closing his eyes. "What are you going to do now that we've graduated?"

Firkle made a noise in the back of his throat. "No clue. And you?"

"I've already applied for all the best out-of-state colleges. I'll probably get in to at least one of them, right?" Ike smiled.

"Yeah." He looked down at his hands. Of course good colleges would want a straight-A student like Ike and not some rebellious kid. "I'd miss you," he whispered softly.

"Would you?" He opened his eyes. "Why?"

"You're alright." Firkle cursed his brain for settling on such a lame response. It was his fault for crushing on someone like all the other posers.

"You know," Ike sat up, removing his legs from his lap to sit on his knees, "I'd probably miss you even more." 

"Doubt it, Broflovski," he snorted. "Things wouldn't be the same."

"No, they really wouldn't." He leaned forward and gently closed the distance between them.

Firkle sighed, gladly letting him dominate the kiss. He gasped as Ike's hand traveled to his dark hair and tugged lightly. So many times he had dreamed of this happening, and now it actually was. He pressed on the back of his head to deepen the kiss even more.

"Ike, I-HOLY SHIT!" Kyle dropped the suitcase he had been carrying in horror.

"Why are you here?!" Ike snapped.

"One, I'm done with college. Two, I came to see my baby brother graduate. And three, why do you have to do that shit on the couch?! I SIT there! Go in your room or something!" He pinched the bridge of his nose in exasperation. "I'm gonna look for the Febreeze."

He growled, purple lipstick streaked across his face. "You're dead to me, Kyle. Dead. To. Me."

"Uh." Firkle couldn't help it, he began to laugh hard. "Damn, Ike! That's cold!"

"Like your heart?" Ike touched his chest.

"Yeah, like that. I love you, though. Protect me from your mom." He was joking, but his eyes showed a bit of sincerity. "I think she actually scares me."

"Me too, Firkle." He rubbed his thumb over his lips. "So, we taking my brother's advice and moving this upstairs?"


	27. Pining, Part 2- Pip Pirrup X Male!Jock!Reader

"It looks like (L/N)'s got the ball! There he goes, almost there! Aaaaaaand touchdown! That's the game!"

You looked up at the packed bleachers, grinning widely. Through your helmet you could see a certain Brit holding up a giant sign with your name on it. Sweet. You and the rest of the team ran to the locker room, high-fiving each cheerleader on the way. 

"Jesus, that was rough." Craig popped off his helmet and shook his head. His dark hair was sticking up everywhere. "But I'm sure (Y/N) had it a lot worse."

"What are you talking about?" You dropped your shoulder pads on a bench. "The game wasn't that hard!"

"No, I mean you must've been pretty embarrassed. I could hear that dumbass cheering your name, and so could everyone else. Sucks to be you, man." He patted your shoulder sympathetically. "Sorry."

Stan nodded. "I would've died of humiliation."

You frowned, pushing past them to get to the showers. What a bunch of jerks. You sighed as the water hit your back and smiled. The shower heads always were pretty strong, which was good for sore muscles. After rinsing off you wrapped a towel around your waist and went back to the lockers. Everyone seemed to already be waiting for you. "What's up?"

"Why do I have to be the one to tell him?" Clyde whined. "Ugh. (Y/N), we don't think you should hang around with Pip anymore."

"Excuse me?" You crossed your arms. "And why is that?"

"Look at him, dude! He's like, the most unpopular kid and everyone hates his stupid French guts with a burning passion!" Stan threw his hands in the air. "How do we make this resonate with you?"

"He's British, you stupid bastard. I'm not dropping him as a friend just because you want me to." You turned on your heel to get your clothes out of your locker.

Craig made his way over and shut it. "I don't think you understand. We're not asking you, we're telling you. Dump his ass."

"And what if I don't, Tucker?" Your nostrils flared in anger. "What are you gonna do?"

"Convince the coach to drop you from the team," he replied. 

Judging from the looks of surprise, this wasn't something the others had discussed. "You make us look bad and you know it. How much longer will your popularity last with him hanging off your arm all the time? Your choice, (Y/N)." He shoulder-checked you on the way out the door.

The room was silent aside from you getting dressed and slamming your locker so hard dust came off it. "Well? You guys backing him up?"

Clyde nodded. "Call it revenge for you knocking me out."

"Good luck with that, because I quit." You raised your middle finger high in the air as you opened the door to leave. "You're all a bunch of quivering pussies." 

"Wait, you're right."


	28. Pining, Part 3 - Pip Pirrup X Male!Jock!Reader

You stopped dead in your tracks, immediately recognizing the voice. You looked back to confirm what you already knew. "What?"

"You're right, (Y/N)." Kyle walked past the others and stood in front of you. "I'm going with you since these guys are a bunch of cliché douchebags that can't get laid."

"Kyle!" Stan shouted. "You can't do this just for some loser kid!"

"Can and will, _Stanley._ (Y/N) is a better friend to Pip than you are to me." He smirked, letting you leave first. "Football is stupid, I wanted to be in basketball anyway."

You nodded, eyeing his lanky frame. "I can't argue with that, Broflovski. You're going to kick some serious ass."

"(Y/N)! (Y/N)!" Pip nearly crashed into you as he came barreling over for a hug. "Alright, mate?"

"Hello to you too, Pip." You patted the top of his head. "Thank you for the sign, since you probably gave me the confidence I needed to score."

"Really?" His eyes twinkled. "I'm the reason we won this game?"

"No trace of doubt in my mind." You laughed, forgetting all about the locker room fight. “We going out to celebrate at Benny’s?”

“Oh, that sounds lovely! Do you think they finally added crumpets to their menu?” Pip clapped his hands. “So excited!”

“You coming with us, Kyle?” He jumped at the sound of your voice. You chuckled. “Come on, nobody will bother us there besides the goth kids.”

Kyle smiled shyly. “I wouldn’t want to disrupt your night.”

“You’re on the winning team too, which also makes it your night. Let’s go.” You lead the two of them to your black 1984 Cadillac Seville, snorting at the redhead’s awestruck expression. “You can touch her, dude.”

He nodded, running his hand over the side. “Wow, how did you get this and where? It’s beautiful!”

“The internet works wonders for us in this day and age.” You held the doors open for them, Pip riding shotgun and Kyle in the back. “You guys ready for some awesome?”

“Mmhmm!” Pip nodded.

“Sweet!” You backed out of the parking lot and zipped onto the road, glancing in the front view mirror. “Don’t tell those assholes what I drive, I don’t want this baby getting egged or some shit.”

“I can’t believe I wasted so much of my high school years playing a sport I didn’t even like.” Kyle rested his chin in his hand, gazing out the window. “Stan’s an ass.”

“To be fair, you look like a jock. You know, really attractive and dreamy eyes or whatever.” You turned around when he made a quiet squeak. “What?”

“I-I’m attractive?” He ducked his head.

“Uh, you’re fucking hot. I think you should go around without your stupid hat more so you can show off your beautiful-“

“Shh!” Pip clamped a hand over your mouth. “Focus on the road!”

“Jealous.” 

“Am not!”


End file.
